Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Radio Silence

The past 6 weeks have really kicked me to the curb. Either Amelia or I have been sick the entire time, and not with pansy illnesses either. I've had to throw out a few of her clothes along the way that just weren't worth washing out. I have a reactive airway disease that seems to have gone into full blown asthma, so that is annoying to top off everything else.

Knowing Rafe is coming home so soon is both exciting and depressing. This is actually a common emotional combination at the end of deployments for a multiplicity of reasons. There is even a regular military informational session every month called "Beyond the Brief" for spouses of soon to be returning deployed Marines. It goes over the post deployment emotional cycle, how to integrate as a family again and generally what to expect, both positive and negative. Just knowing some of the reactions are to be expected and normal can be stabilizing.

One of the reasons it's depressing because we miss him now more than ever. We accidentally mentioned to Amelia that "daddy is coming home soon"... and you can imagine what SOON is to a two year old. She talks about him constantly - the things he will do for her, with her, teach her and has already taught her. It doesn't matter if Daddy had nothing to do with it at all, in her world right now, "daddy teach me". He apparently bought her all the toys she now has and taught her how to stand on her hands with one foot on the ground and one leg stuck in the air.

She is assessing her friend's daddies... and luckily, we play with her friends during the day when most of the dads are gone at work. She mostly thinks that every house has a mommy and some kids, but only some of them have daddies. Unfortunately, she put that together one day and told me, "I don' haf a daddy". Things like that break my heart. She meant that she didn't have a daddy living with us, but for a minute I thought that she truly thought she didn't have a daddy. That's when being a mom and wanting to protect your kids really takes over. You smile and laugh and talk about Daddy like it's normal for him to be gone and tell her all the things he says and does to stay close to her while inside you just want to cry. She takes her cues from me, and sees it as normal also.

Sometimes when a plane flies overhead, she says, "There goes Daddy" and I agree with her. She's done this ever since he came home on leave in January and we picked him up at the airport. We watched his plane come in and saw him get off and so we wave to every plane that flies overhead. I tell her that Daddy works very far away but he flies over us as often as he can so he can check on her and see how she is doing. This seems to make her very happy.

Waiting for the two of them to be reunited again is really what is dragging me down. I see her longing for him in a way that is almost palpable. She'll pick up her toys off the floor and clean them with baby wipes, telling me "Daddy like a clean house". (Too bad Mommy isn't as diligent). She goes to the room his gear is stored in and tells me it's "Daddy's room". She'll walk by the quilt his aunt made him and tell me, "Daddy's quilt NO TOUCH!" (We have it hanging as a piece of art in our hallway and she knows not to touch it) I've had to work a bit to get her to remember that when Daddy comes home he sleeps in "mommy's room", otherwise she would probably think they could take turns sleeping in with me. :)

I haven't taken pictures of Amelia for weeks and weeks; the longest I've ever gone without taking pictures of her. I'll be posting some old ones soon from Easter and try to take a few new ones as we start feeling better.


Karen said...

So good to finally hear from you and I wish you were feeling better and not dealing with Asthma. Letting Amelia bask in the thought of daddy coming home soon could be good for you-keep her busy while you REST like you need to be doing when you are not feeling well. We are not judged by how organized our home is or if there are dishes in the sink-at least not by the person it matters to the most. I was gonna say "chin up" but instead I am gonna say "belly up" enjoy this pregnancy, she will be here before you know it-then you can start thinking about organizing after she starts kindergarten!!!!!!

Growingtogether said...

Your having a girl??