Loss

This may be too much to share in a public blog, but right now I have to tell "someone" as I just came back from the doctor and I need to get it out. It's an interesting thing I've noticed Marine spouses do - we weigh what's going on with the urgency of the information vs. the intensity of our husband's training and to keep from distracting them or losing focus on issues that could affect their lives. We pick and choose our time and place to discuss it with our husbands. He has a very intense day of training today so I won't call him until tonight.

Rafe and I have been trying for a while to have more children. We only had about 3 chances left according to a fertility specialist I'm seeing. There is a possibility that I had a miscarriage this past month. I just found out today that I have some cysts that will prevent me from getting pregnant this month (they are a side effect of the shots I was giving myself in the belly), and we will need to wait until they dissolve on their own. This will be a month or two. Which leaves us with one to zero chances to get pregnant again before he leaves for deployment... for a year... and by the time he gets back, I will not be fertile anymore unless a miracle happens. Our insurance will pay for the medicine and treatments, but only as long as he is in the country. So no trying once he deploys through IVF, it's too expensive.

So the loss I am facing today is a loss on several levels... Rafe wasn't able to see Amelia born, and we both wanted him to be there for one of our children's births. We wanted more children to fill our house with laughter and love. We wanted Amelia to have a little brother or sister because she loves other little kids so much. We were curious as to what another child of ours would look like, be like, act like. I wanted to be pregnant again and truly enjoy every moment of my pregnancy, without all the intense craziness, harassment and stress that happened during my last pregnancy and birth. I'm facing the fact that it will be a miracle if we have a child again.

I almost feel selfish to be sad, since we were so blessed with Amelia.